My dad is turning 60 years young on March 15th. This is hard to swallow. It's hard to swallow that both of my parents are 60, I am 31, and this family photo is missing so many people.
It's wierd to look back on a family once together, and very much normal. Stay-at-home mother of four kids. Heavily involved in the church. Dad who works insane hours trying to support four kids. Beautiful house. Lots of Love. Totally normal (or not).
Then the divorce happended.
Seventeen years and a very loooooooooooong story later, we are missing 15 people from this picture. Fifteen people who were always supposed to be a part of our family, and our story. I look back on our perfect little family, albeit very imperfect, and I can say, with so much joy, that I am thankful for my parents divorce. They each found people that suit them. They toughed it out for a while for us, but now they are really happy. And our family is blessed with Yvette and Cliff. They don't read this blog, but they know how I feel. Oh the life lessons I have learned from these two people. I still apologize to God for treating them both with such anger and disrespect. I was only 15 when my parents both remarried, and I was L.O.S.T, and young, and mad. and insecure, and mad, and lonely, and really, really, MAD.
Why? Because I am a perfectionist, a really-farfromperfect- totally flawed perfectionist. I grew up watching cartoons and Full House and dreaming of living that perfect life where the house was always clean and and the lesson was always learned at the end of the day....complete with soft, nostalgic music playing in the background. SO, needless to say, a divorce was NOT in my perfect plan. I have always struggle with trying to do every right, be everything, and know everything.....while managing to, on most days, be a total mess.....far from the perfect person I imagined I'd be at 31.
Looking back, I needed that divorce. We all did. It taught me that life is not perfect, never will be, and never has been. It taught me to let go of any pre-conceived expectations I have for my life, and let God lead me. He always has something better for you than you have for yourself....and He can turn any mess into a masterpiece. He took a very nasty situation and made it something beautiful. He is still working hard on us, because we are still figuring it all out, but he has never given up. And I have learned so.many.valuable.life.lessons from my step parents, whom I would have never known if it weren't for the BIG D. I've learned patience, generosity, patience, unconditonal love, patience, acceptance, and did I mention patience? My poor, poor, step parents. Marrying people with 4 MAD teenagers. Dealing with our troubles, attitudes, financial struggles, mistakes, ect. They BOTH must really love my parents to deal with US. And if you've evermet Cliff, well, it takes Godly patience to deal with Him....and he knows it.
A long, novel worthy story later, I am humbled, thankful, and happy to have a different family photo than the one above. I have given up the idea of a perfect life and embraced the struggle and flaws of life that make it so beautiful. Without struggle.........love and purpose would not exist. God allows struggle because it strengthens us and makes us need Him, know Him, and ask for his help. There is simply nothing more amazing and beautiful in life than hitting rock bottom, crying out to God, and watching Him pick you up, answer your prayers, and watch His work unfold right before your eyes. If we all walked in perfection, we would never know Him. Life would be pointless. Without the ugly, the beautiful would go unseen. God knows what He's doing, and I've learned to trust Him.
I use to live in fear. Shhhhhhh, don't tell Kaitlin. But I no longer allow fear to get the best of me. After all I have seen, done, and experienced, and all I have seen God do in my life, I no longer fear living it. There is no need to worry when you trust God, and that kind of freedom is a freedom I thought I would never know. A freedom feel blessed toknow at such a young age. I reasons to be worried right now....trust me, but I'm not. I know who's in charge, and I'm all done trying to do a better job than Him and running my own messy life. I have a lot to learn about life, but I'm glad I won't be learning in a state of fear.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways aknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6
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